You Are Not Obliged To Stay With Those Who Do Not Like You Well

Who does not like you well, does he deserve your attention, company and care? Sometimes you do things you don’t want to do because you think they are part of your obligations. Karen Horney has already spoken of the tyranny of “shoulds.” The shoulds are those verbalizations in the form of order that we say to ourselves. They are usually the product of socialization or education and motivate us to act against our values ​​or interests.

Getting rid of these self-obligations is not easy: they tend to be deeply rooted in our beliefs and the mere fact of asking ourselves not to follow these inclinations produces cognitive dissonance; a state in which discomfort reigns, the product of trying to fit two pieces that do not have compatible edges.

Thus, when these two constructs collide, an internal conflict appears that motivates us to do something to resolve it. And there are two options: keep doing what we are supposed to do or take action on our values ​​and change course, even if it means going against the tide.

When is it convenient to leave the side of those who do not like you well?

To say that someone does not like you well is to indicate a very wide space. What is important is to set some limits. Not because we benefit or believe we are the navel of the world, but because these relationships pose an obstacle to our well-being.

What do we mean by “not wanting well”? The psychologist Silvia Congost advises us to cover our ears and observe what happens. It’s easy to tell someone we love them in words and also tempting to just believe it. But, are we really feeling that love that they preach to us? Are that person’s actions consistent with what it means to love? If there are words of love, but there are no actions that give away that affection, perhaps we are simply facing a deception.

There are some non-negotiable limits by which it would not be bad to leave relationships. In addition to them, there will be others that will be personal to each one. In this sense, each one has to do, with his heart in hand, to what extent he believes it would be logical to bear those who harm us. The limits that we think should not be exceeded are the following:

When they mistreat us

Both on a physical and psychological level, at the moment in which there is abuse, it would be convenient to leave that relationship. We are not referring only to the sphere of the couple, but to any interpersonal relationship, even if it is the family. Abuse is a way of making another believe that he is someone inferior.

The abuser thinks that he really has the right to perpetrate some kind of harm on another human being. This gradually undermines the victim’s self-esteem, which, if he does not leave that relationship, will be tremendously annulled. The longer we remain in a situation of abuse, the more we believe that we should stay because we are inferior and do not deserve any better.

When they ignore us

Ignoring someone you are supposed to love is another form of abuse. It is turning your back on the other, making him feel below you again. It is important that the victim does not get carried away by the idea that “this person is like this, it is their way of behaving” because that will anchor them in the hope of change or in downplaying the emptiness they are suffering.

The moment someone ignores us, they are telling us that they do not care what we have to say to them, our feelings, what we think, etc.

When they humiliate us

There are people who laugh at others in public or make jokes about their physical appearance or the way they speak. Sometimes these humiliations are not in public, but in private. Either way, we shouldn’t allow anyone to humiliate us because our self-esteem is at stake.

It is true that our appearance or our way of behaving do not define us per se . We should be clear about this. But, even with everything, it is normal that we feel unhappy if another person makes negative allusions to it and more if that person is important to us.

When they annul us

Not only is freedom necessary, but so is the feeling of freedom. Therefore, whoever loves you not only does not limit your freedom beyond what is reasonable, but also ensures that you have the feeling of having it. Thus, let you be responsible for your mistakes and you can repair them, as well as your successes.

For example, there are parents who try to convince their children to pursue a particular college degree and they do so ” for their own good .” These parents are not loving their children generously, as much as they may understand it that way. In fact, it can be noted that this manipulation responds more to self-centeredness than to real interest in what really arouses interest in their children.

When they restrict our freedom

Freedom is one of the most precious goods. We have to feel free to decide what to think, how to dress, what friends to choose, or what city to live in. Allowing someone to make these decisions means giving up a portion of power that configures us, which is genuinely ours.

It is not an obligation

Remember, it is not an obligation. It is not written anywhere that you have to stay by the side of those who do not like you well. Perhaps the opposite is true, and break the inertia that prevents you from cutting off that relationship.

Who does not love you well, does not deserve to enjoy your value. Who does not transcend the more selfish side of the relationship, does not deserve your generosity. Who does not offer, does not deserve your availability. However, no matter how much you read it here, putting the consequences of these ideas into practice is your decision, it is your own assertiveness exercise that I encourage you from here.