My Family Is Narcissistic: What Can I Do?

“My family is narcissistic.” On average, one reaches this conclusion as an adult. Because during childhood and adolescence everything is doubts, fears and suffering. This is a time when the children of narcissists just survive and wait for a gesture of affection to appear at some point. A sign that they are worthy of your affection.

However, the years go by and that never happens. The feeling of loneliness then becomes chronic, the emotional abandonment becomes perpetual and the consequences of the psychological abuse become more profound. Let’s be clear , few facts are more harmful to a person than growing up being aware that their needs are not important.

Knowing that what one feels, wants or thinks lacks relevance is highly painful and leaves a mark. Being part of an environment where there are one or more narcissistic figures who engulf everything in their path, who require everything for themselves to the point of overriding the emotional rights of their own children leaves serious psychological consequences.

What’s more, something that is seen frequently in therapy in these people is that there are large doses of unacknowledged anger inside them. All these experiences breathe in his mental depths in the form of an undetected rage. Likewise, it is also common for them to perceive themselves as undeserving of love.

This explains the appearance of anxiety disorders and those periods of depression that come and go. What should be done in these cases? How to act in the face of those ties that still unite us with one or more narcissistic figures? We analyze it.

My family is narcissistic, what can I do?

Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman is a therapist and clinical director of the New England Center for Pediatric Psychology. She is currently one of the greatest experts on narcissistic family dynamics. In his book

When you are little you don’t wonder why your parents are like that. During infancy, what a child desperately seeks from his narcissistic parents is to earn their love, attention, and approval. Failing to do so, you reach adolescence with a great lack of self-esteem and with the clear idea that your own needs are not important.

The adolescent will eventually become an adult with serious conflicting emotions and deep doubts: now that I know that my family is narcissistic, what should I do?

The priority is you: heal the wounds of the narcissist to decide better

What should I do? If my family is narcissistic … Should I cut the contact forever? Before making these decisions, it is best to seek professional help to treat many of the psychological injuries that narcissist (s) often leave behind. We must be aware of the following aspects:

• The narcissistic family tends to hide what happens behind the scenes very well. Generally, the environment is unaware of the suffering that children experience in these types of situations. That secrecy and the fact that no one knows what is suffered, hurts and puzzles. Therefore, it is appropriate to seek expert help. Only then will we be aware of our wounds.
• Treat, for example, feelings of guilt and shame. Narcissists make us believe that we are not deserving of attention and affection and that we are responsible for it. Something like that infects self-esteem and distorts one’s identity. All of this deserves attention to restore dignity.

• It is necessary, in turn, to treat latent anger and that rage accumulated over time for all that has been experienced.
• Deeply embedded negative messages navigate the minds of victims of narcissism. Ideas like “you are not good enough for this and that” must be plucked, worked on, and healed.
• On the other hand, the ability to connect emotionally with oneself must be worked on to discover needs and then cover them. Boosting self-esteem, identity, assertive communication are essential and also urgent pillars.

When you feel safe, strong and calm, decide without fear

My family is narcissistic and even today it continues to cause me suffering. What I can do? Before making a decision, as we have indicated, it is convenient to have worked on ourselves, awakening strengths, heal wounds and tempering self-confidence.

We say the latter for an undeniable fact: the narcissistic father or mother is an expert in manipulation and if we do not act decisively, we will fall under their influence again. For example, if we tell them that from now on we will limit the deal, it is likely that they will tell us that “And who has washed your head to say something like that? Your partner?”.

Those who are experts in the art of pain make communication their best weapon and we must be prepared to know how to respond. Calmly, confidently and assertively. Thus, when the impact of narcissistic parents continues to affect us, there are only two options: limit the deal or break it forever.

The best thing to do is to try it first by setting limits and demanding respect. We will guide these contacts in a way that is tolerable for us: calls, visits once a week, etc. Now, if they do not respect those limits, if we perceive that the suffering does not end and that we are losing our quality of life again, the healthy thing is to put distance.

They are hard decisions, but there is something evident: who makes you suffer does not love you. What is the point of continuing to maintain what hurts, what is unhealthy and infects your own happiness? Obviously none. Let’s keep it in mind.