Affectionate Bonds, What Is Your Style?

The human being harbors a biological need aimed at the formation of affective bonds since, among other functions, they fulfill that of providing psychological security. Thus, couple relationships constitute, in adulthood, one of the bonds that provide the greatest sense of protection and emotional balance. But, on what does the quality of the affective bonds in the couple depend?

Until the mid-1980s, with the research of Hazan, Shaver, and Bradshaw, solid theories about adult affective styles were not reached. The results indicated that love ties would be determined by different attachment styles, the objective of which is to seek protection and emotional security. Thus, the quality of the attachment bond would depend on the strategies that were useful to us in childhood to achieve this feeling of security with our parents or caregivers.

To date, four attachment styles have been identified that have a decisive influence on the dynamics of couple relationships and the affective bonds established with other people: secure attachment, worried, elusive (distant or fearful) and disorganized ; Would you like to know which one is yours?

Secure attachment bond

People who bond with their partner through the secure type of attachment are autonomous in different areas of their life and feel secure because they trust themselves and the positive response of others.

Thus, the characteristics of the fundamental secure attachment affective bonds are:

• Memories of childhood bonds are mostly positive.
• They are open, easy to get to know, autonomous, with high self-esteem and a positive image of others.
• They lack serious interpersonal problems and show trust in others.
• They enjoy a balance between affective needs and personal autonomy.

Worried attachment bond

Worried attachment, also called ambivalent or dependent, is characterized by feeling insecure about the availability of attachment figures, in this case the partner. 

The concerned person develops a state of anxiety and ineffectiveness that makes him feel that he is not loved enough, so he constantly seeks confirmation that he is loved by the other person and, at the same time, suffers fear of possible rejection or abandonment. So, or

• Lack of self-esteem that entails a dependent attitude and an inordinate desire to obtain the approval of others.
• High concern in your relationships.
• Constant demands for attention.

Affective bond of elusive distant attachment

People with this attachment style maintain relationships based on emotional distance and coldness. In remote fleeing people, apparent emotional self-sufficiency acts as a defense mechanism against the possible rejection that they might experience. The characteristics of the people who present these types of emotional ties are:

• Idealization of relationships with parents, where the only remembered experiences are based on the rejection and coldness of their parents
• They prioritize the assessment of their achievements and deny the existence of affective needs

• They keep others away to preserve their armor and not throw their emotions out of balance
• They have a positive mental model of themselves but negative of others
• They feel uncomfortable in intimacy and consider interpersonal relationships secondary in their life
• They can show a state of detachment in situations of separation or loss by suppressing their emotions

Fearful elusive attachment bond

People who establish an affective bond through an elusive type of fearful attachment also function with a negative mental model towards themselves and towards others, lack of assertiveness, low confidence and self-concept, in addition to a powerful fear of rejection.

They also meet the following patterns in their relationships:

• Their fear of rejection prevents them from starting intimate relationships, so their social network is minimal.
• They combine extreme dependence and avoidance at the same time, so they are easily affected by loneliness, frustration and depression.
• His behavior is passive.

Disorganized attachment bond

This style of attachment has its origin in a childhood of mistreatment or abuse in which the caregivers represented at the same time a figure of fear or discomfort so that the children could not turn to them as a source of support and / or security.

The disorganized attachment system pattern is the most dysfunctional because people seek physical closeness as well as mental distance, which causes great disorientation, in addition to:

• Conditioning your worth through defensive actions based on an dire need to please and care for others in a controlling way.
• Inability to assess situations considered threatening.
• Stress and increased cortisol.

Change the way we relate

In this sense, insecure attachment styles have been established when in childhood, the search for proximity has not been resolved and other strategies have been used to achieve it. In the adult, these systems would be maintained over time due to the resistance to change in the mental models of relationship.  That is, these rigid beliefs about relationships already make up the personality and the concept of oneself.

Likewise, the relationship patterns are automated, unconsciously activating repetitive behavior and filtering all the indications that do not support them. One solution would be to be aware of which of these relationship models or affective bonds is being promoted in order to review it and assess whether it is still valid for our well-being.

It is very important to practice mental flexibility and strengthen confidence in yourself and others, in addition to admitting the possibility of relating to your partner in a more secure, relaxed and pleasant way.