Assertive And Not Aggressive, How To Achieve It?

The word assertive is not always well understood. It is often mistaken for a “hit” derivation, which is not accurate. Assertiveness is a social skill that allows people to communicate their ideas and wishes and defend their rights in an appropriate way.

Thus, assertive is someone who knows how to say “no”  when that is precisely what he wants to say. Or one who expresses a disagreement, even if it is politically incorrect. He is also the one who knows how to formulate a demand or a requirement to others, frankly and clearly.

To put it succinctly, assertive is someone who knows how to ask, refuse, and exchange or negotiate with others , consistent with what they want. It corresponds to what we know as someone sincere and direct. It is important not to confuse this with sincericide or aggressiveness.

The assertive, the passive and the aggressive

It is usual for the assertive to be located as one of the vortices of a triangle. At the other two extremes are the passive and the aggressive. At the passive end are people who avoid saying what they think or feel inhibited to claim their rights. There is also difficulty in asking, because there is the idea that doing so is always annoying others.

Aggressive refers to the opposite extreme. There are located those behaviors in which it is not requested or requested, but required. What is felt or thought is not expressed, but this is shouted  or screwed up. There is no consideration for the other, since the person is convinced that his greatest right is to say what he sees fit.

Assertiveness is not a middle point between these two extremes, but rather another way of approaching communication. There is enough respect for oneself not to keep quiet about what should not be kept quiet, but there is also enough respect for the other to take their thoughts and emotions into consideration.

Assertive and not aggressive

Expressing what you think, feel or want can cause a clash with others, which is sometimes unavoidable. Nobody likes to have an invitation turned down, for example. It is also frequent that in hierarchical relationships there is some discomfort when a subordinate does not agree with some directive and expresses it.

What does not have to happen is that that opposition is aggressive or standing up for a conflict. How to avoid it? There are some guidelines that can help, such as the following:

• See things in collective terms. When dealing with a situation, it is best to analyze your own perspective, but also that of others. In particular, when there is a problem, the question is: “How ARE we going to fix it?”
• Take into consideration the possible reaction of others. If you are going to say something that may offend or annoy another, anticipate their possible reaction. It should not be approached superficially, but rather understanding that each person is different and what is said also has a variable impact.
• Go to the facts and the data. An appreciation or idea is defended by citing concrete facts or specific data, rather than speculation. This is not only the most reasonable, but it is a source of credibility.

• Express what you feel. This is much better than guessing about how others are feeling, or about their intentions or motivations. Saying how a certain act or situation makes you feel clears things up and cleans up communication.
• Be courteous to the adversary. The smartest thing is to understand that those who think differently have a point of view that can expand ours. So it’s worth listening to, rather than challenging or defensive with it.
• Self-assess motivations. When saying something that clashes with others, or defending a right, it is important to reflect on the validity of the motivations for doing so. In this way, you will not fall into a reactive automation, nor will there be a need to attack anyone.
• Go to persuasion. If things are analyzed and a firm conviction is reached, no matter how reasonable it may be, it is useless if it is not possible to communicate accurately and clearly. Being assertive never happens to be imposing.

Being assertive requires training and self-esteem. The latter is the one that prevents falling into disrespect or aggression towards others or towards oneself. Training, for its part, makes it easier and easier to achieve that personal congruence that, at the same time, is kind to others.